02 My Light – Spot 5
Healing the Inner Child
“I’m as sick as my secrets.”
If what I am hiding in my dark corners is making me sick, I can heal myself by illuminating those dark corners. My ego doesn’t want that. Self-protection has worked well so far. So it doesn’t want anything to change. But it’s too late for that now, dear ego. I’m on my journey, and I’m not going to stop or even turn back now.
I learn how to remove one stone after the other from the darkest corners of my rucksack. And like a vampire, it will crumble into dust in the light.
“Talking about something means taking away its terror and preserving its power.”
Shame hates being clothed in words. It cannot survive if it is shared. Shame loves secrecy. The most dangerous thing to do after something embarrassing happens is to hide or bury my story. If I deny my story, it will metastasise and grow inside me like an ulcer.
The fear, the insecurity, and the feeling of inferiority will grow and flourish if I don’t talk about them. That’s why fear loves perfectionists. But when I start to talk about it, it will begin to fade. Only when I strike up the courage to illuminate my dark corners will I discover the power of my light.
“Feel the shit!”
Let’s go through such an attack on our self-esteem. What happens when someone belittles me? It’s Saturday evening. I’m at a party with friends, acquaintances, and a few new faces. Everyone is in high spirits, dancing, laughing and drinking. And at some point, it starts, that unspoken beauty contest that many of us know so well.
People start taking selfies, putting filters over them, and handing out compliments, but not without stating the obligatory comparison: “Oh my God, have you lost weight?” – “You look so good, I really need to do more sport again!” – “Wow, I just can’t wear short skirts with my legs.”
I’m wearing a simple dress and actually feel comfortable. But, at the very latest, when I hear “You’re really brave to wear that with your curves – respect!” for the fourth time, things start to crumble. This is followed by more comments, such as:
“Do you really want more from the buffet?” “You really eat without feeling guilty, that’s enviable.” “I’d love to have your metabolism.”
In this situation, I have three options. I laugh along and pretend it doesn’t affect me. Perhaps I’ll make a self-deprecating joke about my “problem areas”, stop eating, and drink two glasses of Prosecco instead, so as not to attract any more attention. Maybe I’ll join in by putting on even more makeup, showing more skin, smiling, comparing, and performing. The next day, I will notice: I sold myself short. I was not me.
Or option two: I stop speaking altogether. I withdraw inwardly and shrug off the barbs – or at least pretend to. And although I stay in the group, I feel smaller and smaller. Yes, I’m involved – but my role is being the one who’s not “good enough”. The one who just can’t or won’t keep up. The one who might be laughed at later because she “doesn’t get it”.
And then there is this third option: The one that I can only choose when I have learnt: I am good enough. I realise what is happening. It’s not harmless fun – it’s covert devaluation under the guise of “I was intended as a compliment”. I can feel the knot in my stomach, the strain in my throat. But this time I’m not going to join in. I take a deep breath, put on a friendly but clear smile and say to myself: “I like myself the way I am. I will not deny myself and bend over backwards just to fit in.”
I realise that I don’t actually want to belong to this group. I want to be seen – not judged. So I set my boundary. I say a friendly goodbye, get another piece of cake and leave. I might go home. I might go and meet an authentic friend. Or I might just go home and be by myself – on the couch, with a blanket and my DOD, taking quiet pride in knowing: I came to my own defence.
What if I find myself in a situation that I think I can’t get out of? During a meeting, my boss has it in for me, accuses me of making mistakes and ridicules me. I probably can’t very well get up, tell her to take her inferiority complex out on someone else and leave … Although that would be the right reaction. It would teach my inner child that it can rely on me, and my boss would get another hint telling her to work on herself.
But how can I endure such a situation? There are two different starting points. I honestly ask myself whether there is any truth to her criticism of me and whether I could actually have done something better. If this is the case, I thank my boss inwardly for showing me my potential for improvement.
I can then thank her personally in private and tell her that I am motivated to improve and learn. I can tell her that the meeting was very unpleasant for me and that I felt attacked. It bothered me for quite a long time. Time I would rather have spent on my work and learning new things. I can ask her to share her suggestions for improvement privately.
If I come to the conclusion that the criticism is honestly unjustified, I have to defend my inner child. Perhaps the following wisdom from an ancient Greek philosopher will help:
“If someone treats you badly or says bad things about you, remember that they are doing or saying this because they believe they are right. They cannot follow what you think is right, but only what they think is right. If their opinion is wrong, they will suffer the damage of having been deceived. Because if someone considers a conjunction to be incorrect, this does not harm the conjunction but the person who made the mistake. Therefore, you should comport yourself meekly in the face of the blasphemer. Every time this happens, just think to yourself: He was convinced that …”
The following example is another reason to drown in shame: I sent a nasty message to someone by mistake or in the heat of the moment, and now I can’t undo it. Someone attacked me, and I reacted without sleeping on it. I said or wrote things that hadn’t passed through the Three Portals. I’m ashamed of it.
The Three Portals:
- Is it true?
- Is it necessary?
- Is it kind?
Now my reptilian brain is taking control of me. My ability to think logically is deactivated. It’s all about fighting or fleeing. I start to panic. I shout at other people. I fall apart completely, I hide away …
Now I need help to get my head back on straight. I come up with a phrase for such situations. I repeat it loudly to myself until I can think clearly again. Examples:
- I will survive this.
- I am a good person.
- There is a solution.
- I will solve this.
If there’s someone I can confide in, that’s worth its weight in gold. Shame hates being talked about. It thrives in secret. By saying it out loud and recounting what I have done, it disappears. It is met with understanding from a loved one and vanishes into thin air.
When I am alone, I talk to myself and my inner child as if I were talking to a loved one. And hey – I really love myself. I tell myself: “I’m okay. Everything will be all right. I will solve this. I am not a bad person. He was just driving me up the wall. I lost my patience – I admit that. I let myself get carried away.”
Once the smoke has cleared, I can open my DOD and start analysing. What happened? What was the trigger, and what exactly did it trigger? Which beliefs are part of this? What does my inner child say?
What does it mean to live wholeheartedly, with an open visor, ready to accept injuries, and to enter the arena? It leads to wounded hearts, deceit and embarrassment. But also to the greatest experiences, to deep feelings, to warm love, to genuine connection, to trust, to comfort, to emotional success, to happiness, contentment and to myself.
So, what do I want? Security? A life in which nothing can happen to me and in which nothing happens? Or do I risk being attacked? Do I have the courage to overcome my anxiety, to put myself out there, and to enrich my life with meaningful experiences?
What do authentic people who live wholeheartedly do?
They don’t give a shit what others think about them. That’s why they are popular and belong.
They are not, have never been and will never be perfect. That’s why they are really good at what they do.
They are not afraid of any emotional situation, but always treat themselves and others with respect.
They live in abundance and not in scarcity. Their glass is always half full.
They know: Those who give up freedom to gain security gain neither freedom nor security. Those who want everything to stay as it is will always suffer.
They don’t compare themselves with others, only with themselves. They demonstrate what THEY can do.
They don’t complain or whine. Exhaustion is not a status symbol for performance. There is always enough time for play and relaxation.
They believe that things can also turn out well. It’s absurd to worry. I don’t have enough reliable information to know that something bad is going to happen. No matter how much I worry, it won’t change the outcome.
They don’t do what everyone else does or what others expect of them because they intuitively know that they have something to offer.
They laugh, sing and dance because that’s cooler than trying to look as cool as possible and being in control.
I strike up the courage to put myself out there and be seen, even if it means accepting failure, hurt, shame and perhaps even a deep fall. Why? Because the attitude of hiding, pretending and arming oneself against wounds is deadly: It kills my spirit, my hope, my potential, my creativity, my ability to lead, my love, my faith and my joy.
I don’t have to earn love, belonging, attention and joy. It will come to me all by itself when I stand up for myself and stop fighting for it.
I am completely unprotected when I get into the ring. I could get hurt in the torture chamber; the outcome is uncertain; there is a significant risk; I am vulnerable, open. But it’s the only way to go my own way without losing my way between all of the conventions, people pleasing and the fulfilment of other people’s obligations and rules. Is that a weakness? No, that’s courage! Even if everyone around me says otherwise and thinks I’m crazy.
Once I start daring to show my strengths and weaknesses and step into the arena, I will quickly learn who my friends are and who is not. My friends won’t be sitting in the audience pointing their fingers at me. They will help me get back on my feet whenever someone trips me up or hurts me. Yes, they might even be by my side in the arena and stand by me, even if it’s uncomfortable.
A boss who asks her team for support because she doesn’t have a solution to everything will build a creative and strong team. An employee who asks her boss for help because something is unclear to her and she wants to learn more will receive all the support she needs. An artist who makes a mistake on stage and can laugh at herself in the process will receive thunderous applause for it.
The fear of embarrassment and the associated discouragement are excellent killers of innovation. I no longer allow myself to stand in my own way. I want to cultivate a spirit in my relationship, family, and team that allows new things to happen. An atmosphere in which nobody is insulted and belittled for courageously breaking new ground, where mistakes are celebrated because they show that people take risks.
Parents who take their children seriously, listen to them, want to understand them, encourage them to try things out, always support them and cheer them up, who do not try to mould their children according to their own ideas, who respect their children’s boundaries, who do not overemphasise outward appearances and who consistently work to create a loving and appreciative environment in which all feelings are allowed and supported – parents like that are the most valuable gift for any society. Their children can cope with their anxiety. And people who can cope with their anxiety don’t break anything.
I will only become emotionally successful when I connect with other people. I will take the first step towards others. I will show them who I really am. I am good enough. I am neither right nor wrong. I’m just different. Just as we are all simply different. I give up on the struggle to control everything.
I don’t look too far into the future. Nothing ever turns out as planned. I have surrendered to life. My life is already living me, so to speak. I give life a chance to enjoy me as a person and not just my façade, my mask, my persona and my protective armour. I am not ashamed of what is revealed.
When I feel insecure, have inhibitions, am reserved, shy or embarrassed, feel inferior or uptight, I need my new superpowers to break my old shackles and put myself out there. “Here I am. I am good – not perfect. I am capable – not capable of everything. I’m prepared to fall flat on my face – I’ll just have to learn something new. I want to live wholeheartedly – embracing all of life’s ups and downs – with no brakes holding me back.”