02 My Light – Spot 6
I Belong
From the speech of a politician in 1910:
“It is not the critic who counts: not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles or where the doer of deeds could have done better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood, who strives valiantly, who errs and comes up short again and again, because there is no effort without error or shortcoming, …
… but who knows the great enthusiasms, the great devotions, who spends himself in a worthy cause; who, at the best, knows, in the end, the triumph of high achievement, and who, at the worst, if he fails, at least he fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who knew neither victory nor defeat.”
Blame almost always leads to hurt, denial, anger, embarrassment and retaliation. How can we offer each other suggestions for improvement, criticism and feedback that fall on fertile ground?
Most people feel uncomfortable giving, asking for or receiving feedback. It puts us in a vulnerable position. That’s why people avoid it. I want to learn to endure this discomfort, even to expect and welcome it. This discomfort expresses that something is very important and significant right now. I want to cultivate the courage to face this discomfort. It is an indispensable part of my growth process. Glossing over the truth results in stagnation and clinging to familiar patterns.
How can I learn to express my thoughts to others so that we can grow together? If I get angry with them and scold them, that will lead to accusations and embarrassment. Those are always destructive. It will lead to people withdrawing and no longer getting involved. They will try to get out of the line of fire. This paralyses any creativity and any positive development.
Typical signs of a problematic connection between people include blame, slander, favouritism, denunciation, harassment, public reprimands and criticism, reward systems that systematically belittle, shame, or humiliate people, as well as sabotage, threats, intimidation and immoral behaviour such as lying, stealing and cheating.
Exercise A:
I want criticism to fall on fertile ground, for us to learn something from it and improve. When I notice weaknesses and mistakes in others and take a closer look at the causes, I almost always realise that this is exactly where their hidden strengths lie. When analysing someone’s actions, I should always emphasise their strengths.
Examples:
Someone who often seems absent-minded and lost in thought may come up with creative solutions that others hadn’t thought of.
Someone whose work tends to be sloppy and prone to mistakes may be very fast and efficient.
If someone takes a long time to complete a task, their work will probably be very accurate and comprehensive.
Not getting your hands dirty may mean being very good at delegating and motivating others, or being able to entertain and inspire others.
Let’s make each other aware of our strengths and what they mean, where they are a hindrance and how we can best utilise them.
Exercise B:
If I blame you for something or let a problem get between us, we will not be able to grow together. I could just solve the issue by sitting next to you or on the same side of the table. I could come out from behind my desk to be on your side. I will not form an opinion or judgment until I have tried to understand you, asked questions and listened. I could be wrong.
I don’t arm myself for a supposedly difficult conversation. Putting on my armour would mean arming myself as if I were preparing for a battle. But I don’t want to fight. I want to start a positive conversation in which everyone is allowed to show their weaknesses, in which everyone can take responsibility for their actions and through which we can grow together.
No matter whether this happens within the family, at work, in a club or with friends. I want to say and hear the following sentences:
I don’t know.
I need help.
I would love to try it out.
It didn’t work, but I learnt a lot.
May I hear your opinion on this?
Can you show me how to do that?
I disagree. Can we talk about it?
That’s how I feel.
I would like to help.
It is important to me.
Let’s get on with it.
Yes, I did that.
I was involved in that.
I accept responsibility for this.
I am sorry.
What can I do better?
Please.
Thank you.
And it is quite normal for all these sentences to feel unpleasant. It’s the same for all of us. I am learning to endure this because I have learnt the following: This unpleasant feeling tells me that something is important to me. It is close to my heart.
We all have the human need to belong. For children, this urge is vital for survival. Being excluded from their group (family) is life-threatening. When belonging is made conditional, children learn to adapt. They learn that they are not good enough on principle, but must always follow certain rules in order to be accepted.
It is precisely this conformist behaviour that is the biggest obstacle to feeling a sense of belonging. Adapting means assessing a situation and becoming what I think I need to be in order to be accepted, to fit in. In contrast, belonging does not mean that I have to change who I am. I am accepted for who I am.
Children express this by saying: I am being me when I belong. I have to be like you if I have to adapt. When children don’t feel like they belong at home, they express it by saying:
- I don’t live up to my parents’ expectations.
- I am not as cool and popular as my parents would like me to be.
- My parents are always smarter than me.
- My parents are embarrassed by me because I don’t have enough friends, I’m not good at sports, I don’t play an instrument, and I’m not one of the “popular” children.
- My parents don’t like who I am, what I like to do or the clothes I wear.
- My parents are not interested in my life.
- My parents are always full of admiration for others, but never for me.
This massively undermines children’s self-esteem. I want to do everything I can to give children the feeling that they belong – unconditionally. But I can’t give them what I don’t have. I may have gone through this hell myself. My low self-esteem doesn’t allow me to show my true self.
I bend over backwards, don’t stand up for my values, say what people want to hear, don’t defend others when they talk badly about me and don’t dare to speak my mind. In Chapter 01, “My Journey,” I learnt about acceptance, forgiveness, letting go, protecting my inner child, being good enough, being valuable, and that my opinion matters, simply because it is mine.
I could read countless parenting guides. The way I am and the way I behave influence a child’s development much more than discussing it. Even if I don’t have any children of my own, I can learn something about my relationship with my parents and how I treat my inner child and therefore myself.
I stop trying to be a perfect mother. I am imperfect and make mistakes, just like all mothers do. Here at Nofor, I am in the process of coming to terms with myself and getting rid of my childhood traumas.
I write the following principle on several small notes and place them where I know I’ll read them frequently:
“I want to be the mother I would have wanted to have as a child.”
Children are born with certain parts of who they are. They learn everything else from their caregivers. There is no point in discussing and wondering which proportion is greater or more important. I can simply accept and embrace both parts.
My behaviour is much more formative for children than what I preach. I pay close attention to whether my expectations match reality. Do I demand good grades and then tell my friends how bad I was as a pupil? Do I ban alcohol, cigarettes and other drugs only to brag about my drunken escapades at lavish parties as a teenager to my guests at the dinner table? Do I preach that you shouldn’t steal, but then choose not to go back when I realise that something has been overlooked at the till and I haven’t paid for it? How do I deal with media, mobile phones, computers and television, and what do I expect from my children?
To what extent do I accept my personal characteristics as they are? Can I help children accept their nature, identify their strengths, and acknowledge their weaknesses? I can also be vulnerable around children and admit that there is a lot I don’t know. I can make mistakes and own up to them. Of course, I don’t have to tell you everything. Some things are not for children to know about, and some topics require a certain level of maturity.
I never miss an opportunity to show them that they are good enough. Regardless of how much I value myself or how hard I am still working to improve my self-esteem. I will never allow children to be subjected to violence. There will never be any hitting, shouting, name-calling, humiliation, embarrassment, locking up, isolation, abuse, intimidation, shaming, ignoring, or withdrawal of affection.
All of this undermines their self-esteem, and I can tell from my own experience how much effort it takes to rebuild it step by step. Of course, I can’t interfere with everything. However, there are many opportunities to engage with children and treat them as equals, to make them feel that they are good enough, that they are right, and that they are valuable.
I am not just raising children but nurturing their self-esteem at the same time. I am building a nourishing and strengthening connection with them. I am learning to be a good role model and to close the gap between my expectations of myself and others on the one hand and my actions on the other.
In the past, and even today, I have not always succeeded, and I have allowed myself to get carried away and even get violent against children. I can’t take it back. I accept it as part of my development.
“I can’t change anything until I accept it.”
From now on, I will fill my DOD with stories about situations in which I would have liked to have reacted differently toward children. I learn something about myself every time. Just as I learnt in Chapter 01 “My Journey”, I am exploring my beliefs and traumas and resolving them step by step. Resolving a situation with violence has never worked in the long term. Incidentally, this applies at all levels – including politics and conflicts between countries.
Why are we having such a hard time finally understanding and overcoming this? I want to overcome it. I stop tying my self-worth to conditions. I am right, I am good enough, I am lovable. Even without a house, a car, wealth, a handsome boyfriend, a great job, flawless looks, and a permanent smile on your face.
And I also teach my children that they are good and worthy of love, even if they don’t sleep through the night, cry, don’t finish their meals, get dirty, say something cheeky, get bad grades, break things, disagree with me, and do things their own way.
In doing so, I help them grow into strong individuals who can manage their fears. And people who can cope with their anxiety don’t break anything. They find solutions that work better than violence.
When I notice perfectionism in myself, I am particularly mindful. In a way, it is contagious. Perfectionists teach children that what others think is more important than their own thoughts and feelings. It leads to them wanting to please everyone, comparing themselves with others, and constantly having to prove themselves. Fuck perfection! I am becoming emotionally successful!
The following two exercises will help me improve my relationship with children:
Exercise C:
Every time I see a child, whether it’s in the morning after they get up, at lunchtime after school, or in the evening when they come home, I give them a smile that says, “It’s good to see you, I love you,” instead of immediately making demands: “Brush your teeth, wash your hands, put your shoes away neatly, do your homework, set the table …” I can always say that in a friendly but firm tone afterwards. Once again, it’s the first impression that counts.
This teaches children that they are worthy of love and that they belong. This is invaluable for their development.
Exercise D:
I replace “you are” with “you have”.
You’re not cheeky, you’ve said or done something cheeky.
You’re not messy, you just spilt something.
You’re not lacking musical talent, you just need to practice a bit more.
You’re not bad at maths, you just haven’t quite gotten the hang of it yet.
You’re not lazy, you just haven’t completed this task yet.
This teaches children that they are good in principle and that they can make something of themselves. If I keep telling a child that they are all thumbs, they won’t see the point in trying their best at crafts. “Me and my thumbs can’t possibly be good at this.”
And it’s never too late to start. Even if children have already internalised many shameful experiences, today is the perfect day to start supporting them with empowering experiences and being a good role model for them – being as good as I am – no better and no worse. I can discuss my strengths and weaknesses with children.
I can’t prevent children from being excluded by other children. That can be very cruel. But I can make them feel at home every day, giving them a sense of belonging, no matter what they do or what happens. And I can tell them about my struggles with my own self-worth. That connects us. Of course, I will refer to age-appropriate topics that children can understand.
I will show compassion and am on an equal footing with them when we share similar experiences. I will give children the feeling that they belong where it matters most – with the family.
If I always try to protect children from all difficulties and adversities, they can’t learn to deal with them. It’s not that children can’t cope with difficult situations. It’s me who can’t bear the uncertainty and the risk. By constantly interfering, I deprive children of the opportunity to choose their path and find their own way. By overcoming challenges, children primarily learn three things:
- I can set myself an achievable goal. I’m not giving up hope and have a clear goal in mind.
- I am creative and can improvise to achieve my goal.
- I can rely on myself.
Children like that learn to cope with their anxiety. And people who can cope with their anxiety don’t break anything.
Let’s just leave children alone for once. I’ll stop tugging at them all the time. I want to be a good role model for them, not a perfect one. I show them the abundance of life. I show them how to navigate uncertainty, anxiety and grief without suppressing them. I show them how to allow joy, happiness and love without being afraid or worrying.
I take children seriously and treat them as equals. At every opportunity, I make them feel that they belong and that they are right and good enough.
I have the courage to take off my masks, my shields and my armour. Here I am. Look at me. I am doing really well – no better and no worse. I accept the risk of being hurt when I dare to do something big. I can only benefit. Either I succeed, or I learn something new for my next attempt.
I can cope with my anxiety. I navigate it without suppressing it. I don’t break anything. I live my life wholeheartedly. I am connected to all life.