01 My Journey – Step 1
I’ve Been Waiting for Me
And now for the most important headline of the day: “No one is coming to save me.”
I could continue to deny who I am, change myself for others, disregard my boundaries and convince myself that if x, y and z happen, everything will be better. But I could also take the first step towards myself right now and realise that I can shape my own life. I’ve been waiting for me. In the process, I am about to learn who I really am. What can I really become?
“If I win the lottery tomorrow, I won’t have to do this shitty job anymore.”
“Once the children have moved out, I’ll finally be able to travel more and ride my motorbike again.”
“If I could end my relationship, I would be able to start a new life.”
“When I retire, I’m going to buy a sailing boat.”
These beliefs are keeping me from taking the first step. Something or someone out there is preventing me from moving forward. Someone is to blame for my misery. And then I find a note that says: “I believe I could be wrong.”
No one else can take the first step for me. I want to know who I am. I want to know
- why I get angry,
- what I’m afraid of,
- why I’m anxious in the first place,
- why I can’t stand some people and
- why I seek out certain other people,
- what makes me sad,
- what I’m ashamed of,
- what I laugh about, and
- what amazes me.
This means I have already taken the first step. I’ve found NOFOR. I’ve read this far, written notes, placed them around my home, and I am thinking about myself. My journey has begun, and I am absolutely worth taking this time for myself. My thoughts and my feelings are right, simply because they are mine.
So, how am I going to find out all these things about myself, who I really am, and what I can really be? The answer is: From now on, I am going to need support, and I’m going to need money that I can invest. I’m going to grab this money, go to a shop, and buy a booklet with blank pages. A bit like a diary. Before that, I’ll check to see if there’s a suitable book lying around at home somewhere. Once I have it, I’ll name this book: “Diary of Disappointments”. That’s it. That’s all I need.
Sounds strange, doesn’t it? “Disappointment” is a bad thing, right? Another word for it is “letdown”. But are disappointments entirely bad? Und jetzt, da ich diese Täuschung entdecke, bin ich enttäuscht. I was expecting something, and it didn’t materialise. I can learn everything about myself from precisely this situation. My expectations and beliefs are part of every disappointment.
Example:
“I thought you were picking me up. You should have known that my train was arriving at 6:20 pm. But you weren’t there, so I had to walk.”
Every disappointment is directly connected to my beliefs:
“If you really love me, you have to remember when I tell you an arrival time and realise that I want to be picked up without me telling you.”
However, these beliefs are not set in stone. Although I may have formed them very early on, possibly as a child, many of these beliefs still paralyse me in my daily life and in my development.
My partner doesn’t have to do anything. They may have a lot on their plate at the moment. If I want something, I can ask for it. Assuming that the other person will be able to guess what I want always goes wrong.
I write about the emotional moments that happened today in my diary. How did I fare? What happened? What feelings did I perceive? What was I thinking? What did I feel in my body, and how did I react? Once I have answered these questions, I can determine my expectations and beliefs. Then I will check whether they really serve me or whether I would rather change them or get rid of them.
Example:
So my partner didn’t pick me up from the train station, even though they should have known when I was arriving. That upset me terribly, and then I got into a huge argument at home, saying things like, “You don’t love me”, “You don’t care about me,” and “You only think about your work,” among other things.
Therefore, I take note of this event in my DoD (Diary of Disappointments). The feelings I experienced were anger, annoyance, disappointment, sadness and revenge. I felt small and unimportant. I felt like the loneliest person in the world.
My heart started racing and my head started to heat up with anger. Later I teared up when the sadness came over me. And then, when she got home, I unloaded all of this on her. I was certain that my misery was her fault.
Now, looking back on the event, I wonder if I could be wrong. What part do I play in this story? Which expectations were disappointed? Which of my beliefs am I noticing? “I am not important. I am not lovable. I am alone.”
Perhaps adding one simple remark could have prevented this dispute: “My train will be arriving at 6:20 pm. Could you perhaps pick me up then?” A message from the train can be helpful, too: “My train will be arriving on time at 6:20 pm, and I’m really looking forward to seeing you.”
Of course, it would be great if everyone around us could always guess what we’re wishing for and think for us. Forget it! That’s never going to happen! But they still love us. Perhaps my partner has a demanding job, due to which she doesn’t think about her private life until she leaves the office.
I stop asking myself what other people think. I take care of myself. If I want something, I will ask for it and won’t wait for someone else to guess what I need. I am important, I am lovable, and I am on my journey. I am doing really well and get a little better every time.
Therefore, every story in my DoD contains:
- My feelings
- My thoughts
- The bodily reactions I felt
- The way I acted
- My beliefs that are linked to the event
- The way I want to act next time
- My new beliefs
This exercise requires time and patience. Sometimes, I get so angry and livid that I don’t feel like calming down and writing in my DoD at all. I know that I have a right to be angry with someone. That’s absolutely fine. I won’t pressure myself.
I am doing things my own way and at my own pace. I place my DoD somewhere I know I will come across it regularly. And when I notice the first changes and feelings of relief, it may even become addictive.
Freedom means being willing to take responsibility for myself. In other words: I’m going to mind my own business. I’m going to stop complaining about others. I’m going to stop waiting for things to get better on their own or for someone or something to rescue me. And the more I do it, the better I feel.
“Many people are too lazy to think – that’s why they point their finger at others.”