02 My Light – Spot 4
Vulnerability in the Partnership
Is there a greater source of suffering than when we fall in love? How much hurt, pain and suffering occurs between two people in that moment? I am going to learn to recognise the destructive patterns, get rid of them and be a good partner.
I realise that the external expectations of men and women cannot be fulfilled because they are mutually exclusive. What if we just left each other alone for once and didn’t keep pulling each other’s legs? I will try to find out what I personally expect from myself.
Once I learn to overcome my patterns of fear of embarrassment and hurt, I will reach an entirely new level as a partner. I first experienced love when I was a child. The connection to my parents and caregivers now serves as the pattern or blueprint for my ideal love relationship. I apply the feelings, thoughts and actions I learnt back then to my relationships as an adult.
Given that this topic is so big and important, it fills the entire next chapter (03 “My Love”). Here is a simplified overview in advance. The pressure of expectation that the media (film, literature, music, social media …) creates on the subject of love and partnership is unbearable.
As a woman, I am supposed to be naturally beautiful, slim and perfect in every way – in bed, as a mother, as a daughter, at cooking and doing housework, as a friend and at work. And I must do so seemingly effortlessly. The requirement is: Stay as sweet, pretty, calm and modest as possible.
What does a man have to be like to be the perfect partner? The basic message is: Be strong! He must stifle his feelings, earn money, rise to the top, put others in their place, impress women, be sporty and well-built, funny and attractive. But he is also supposed to show his feelings, be emotional, empathetic and show weakness.
My parents and caregivers, society, and the media give me a huge catalogue of requirements as to how I should be as a partner. I probably didn’t get a chance to decide what I wanted to do.
The destructive thing about this catalogue of requirements is that the requirements are mutually exclusive and it is therefore impossible to fulfil them. If I don’t learn to recognise and change these patterns, I can only fail.
As a woman, I have to:
Conform to the current ideal of beauty, naturally
Not hurt other people’s feelings and always speak my mind
Always be in the mood for sex after putting the children to bed, walking the dog, tidying the flat and preparing meals for tomorrow
Have a career and maintain a perfect family on the side
Express self-confidence and self-assurance (especially if I am young and sexy) and just be myself (unless I am shy and insecure)
Radiate a welcoming warmth and never flirt with anyone else
Maintain the perfect balance between being emotional and distant – emotional women are often seen as hysterical, while distant women are seen as cold and calculating
Know and love every single sex practice and make them exclusively available to just one man
Be a perfect wife, mother, housewife, daughter, daughter-in-law and hostess, and do so effortlessly, while also having time for everything and an open ear for everyone
A man has to:
Be strong and show weakness
Be successful professionally and always be there for the family
Earn a lot of money and prioritize time with my loved ones
Put others in their place and be a benevolent benefactor
Climb the ladder and always treat others with respect and courtesy
Be a playboy who only has eyes for his partner
Be spontaneous, funny and relaxed while keeping everything under control and organised
Be sporty, trained and fit and make time for my partner every evening
Know what he wants and state it clearly while anticipating his partner’s every wish
Provide security for his family and go his own way
Be a stallion in bed who empathises with and spoils his partner
The fear of failure and the shame associated with it can be overwhelming in romantic relationships. The protective mechanisms against this fear lead to serious mutual injuries.
I recall my new beliefs from chapter 01 “My Journey”. I don’t compare myself to others – only to myself. I am right. I’m doing really well. I stay centred. My opinion matters, simply because it’s mine. I treat myself motherly.
I already have the tools to get myself out of this mess. After every difficult situation, I sit down with my DOD. Once again, I didn’t dare to say what I wanted clearly because I was afraid of rejection. I describe the situation. What happened? How did I fare? How did I feel? What did my ego think? How did I act?
But I don’t have to do it alone. My partner feels exactly the same as I do. So I can muster up all my courage and talk to him. Shame hates being talked about. It dissolves when you do. I can start with small things to gain trust.
“I can’t say the wrong thing to the right person.”
If I am met with understanding, relief, and a willingness to look into the dark corners, we can heal our connection together. If I discover that I am in a toxic relationship in which the patterns of my childhood are active and there is no willingness to change, I must sever the connection. Otherwise, we will both suffer, and it won’t end well.
It’s about cultivating intimacy – both physical and emotional. To do this, I have to summon up the courage to put myself out there. I step into the arena and say: I like this, and I don’t like that. And if we both manage to do this, in honest and loving conversations, and celebrate each other’s courage, a strong connection that nourishes both of us will grow.
This is what “partners should talk to each other” means. We can allay each other’s fears of being wrong, inferior or sick. We spread out the catalogue of requirements in front of us and admit to each other that we cannot and do not want to fulfil them.
Yes, I know it’s damn hard to talk about my body, ageing, my health, money, sex, parenting, self-worth, exhaustion, anger and fear. I feel completely defenceless and could be embarrassed and deeply hurt at any time. But I know my partner feels the same way, and that connects us.
Living out my own sexuality is a basic need, just like sleeping, eating and drinking. The fact that this topic is so incredibly loaded drives me crazy. Step by step, I am learning to guide myself and to communicate and cultivate this courageously, free from fear of hurt, rejection and shame.
What is love?
We cannot put love into words. Neither can we define what freedom and adventure are. They can only be experienced, sensed and felt. Love is not something I give or receive. It is something that I can nurture and grow; a connection that can only be cultivated between two people if it also exists within each of them. And it can only grow strong as long as each individual is prepared to live life wholeheartedly – without fear of shame, insecurity, restraint or inhibition. A life full of courageous and trusting devotion.
In this love relationship, everyone can show their vulnerable and difficult sides as well as their most powerful self in all its depth and recognise it in others. We devotedly honour each other for our trust, respect, kindness and affection.
Restraint, accusations, breaches of trust and a great deal of secrecy damage the roots from which love grows. Love can only survive these injuries if they are rare, identified, and if everyone is given the chance to heal them.