01 My Journey – Step 4
I’m Doing Really Well (Self-confidence)
Without trust, there is no connection. Can I rely on myself? Do I respect my boundaries? Do I take responsibility for my actions? Do I speak well of myself and others? Can I help others and accept help? How well do I treat myself and others?
If I don’t trust myself, don’t take myself seriously and prioritise myself, other people won’t either. So it’s up to me to gain self-confidence.
To do this, my first step is to look into how I can build trust with other people. Trust between people is not just there from the start. It has to be built up. Step by step, with small gestures, actions and events. And it must be preserved very carefully.
Trust means placing something that is very important to me in the hands of another person. This makes me vulnerable. The other person is now in possession of something they could use against me.
That’s why it’s so important to understand how building trust works. This is the only way I can properly assess the other person and gain certainty as to whether I can trust them.
The best thing to do is to break this process down into its individual parts and look at each component of building trust individually.
You must have the following seven characteristics to gain my trust.
- Reliability – I can rely on you.
- Setting boundaries – Clear boundaries à Genuine trust.
- Responsibility – You take responsibility for your actions, even if you make a mistake.
- Discretion – My secret is safe with you.
- Sincerity – You know what is right.
- Willingness to help – You like to help and accept help from me, too.
- Generosity – When in doubt, believe in good or ask.
- Reliability
I can rely on you. When you take on a task, you complete it. And not just once, but every time. A single slip would disturb our trust relationship.
- Setting Boundaries
Having clear boundaries and enforcing them is the foundation of any relationship. I address these issues and learn where my boundaries are and how flexibly I can deal with them.
In any case, I don’t break my boundaries when I want to build trust. If you feel that I either don’t know my boundaries or don’t respect them, then I’m not a trustworthy partner for you.
And it’s just as important for me to know and respect your boundaries. I don’t want to hear: “Come on! Do it for me!” or “I’m only doing this because I can’t say no to you!”. Clear boundaries à Good friendships.
- Responsibility
This is an extremely important point that radically improves our coexistence. Everyone takes responsibility for what they say and do.
If you make a mistake, you can admit it, apologise and make amends. No excuses, no blame, and no hiding. I don’t want to hear: “But you started it.”
And this is the crucial part: If I make a mistake, then I can rely on you to give me the opportunity to own up to my mistake, accept my apology and allow me to make amends.
Another important point:
Responsibility is never about guilt. I can assume that we all want to do everything we do to the best of our ability every day. And we should also take responsibility for this.
If we were to blame for a disaster, it would imply that we acted maliciously, deliberately and with ill intent. But we don’t do that in our daily lives with our family, friends or at work. So I’m wary of assigning blame.
- Discretion
What we tell each other stays between us. You don’t divulge my secrets, and I don’t divulge yours.
But then, many people make the following mistake: They believe they can build trust by getting closer to us, lowering their voices and telling us other people’s intimate secrets. They believe that criticising and berating others together will bring us closer.
For me, however, it tends to fuel my mistrust of you. If you don’t respect other people’s secrets, you’ll spill mine when the opportunity arises. So I’m mindful of what I say, even if it seems irrelevant to me.
I avoid the rumour mill like the devil avoids holy water where trust in relationships is concerned.
- Sincerity
Sincere people share three core values:
A) They put moral courage above convenience and help others, even if it’s inconvenient for them.
B) Sincere people often consider doing the right thing more important than doing what is fun, quick and easy. What’s more, “doing the right thing” is also more fun in the long term.
C) Sincere people live their values and don’t just talk about them.
- Willingness to Help
I can be miserable, fall apart and be devastated without you judging me and giving me “good advice”. And in return, I don’t grimace when you cry, swear or get scared.
What is the opposite of good?
Answer: well intentioned
In difficult situations, most of us struggle to ask for help. We are better at helping. We believe we have a trusting relationship with someone because we are always there for them. “If you need me, you can call me any time.” But real trust only develops once I have given you an opportunity to help me.
It is not enough not to judge others or keep score when they need help. I shouldn’t retreat when I’m feeling bad either, and I should lovingly accept support.
People like to help. So I’d be doing them a favour by gratefully accepting their support.
- Generosity
Whenever you say or do something, I can think about it and come to the conclusion that it was mean, hurtful or disrespectful. This is an almost natural reaction for many of us. We usually assume the worst. But that is only one interpretation. We could be wrong.
When I want to build trust with someone, I can be generous and always assume the best. When someone is accused of something, give them the benefit of the doubt, and you will see that people are usually innocent. And when I really want to be sure, I simply ask before judging someone or getting defensive. “What did you mean by that?” “Can you elaborate on that?”
Trust is made up of these seven ingredients. Now I know what to look out for when I confide in someone and when I want other people to trust me.
I am reliable,
I am mindful of boundaries,
I take responsibility for what I say and do,
I keep secrets to myself,
I am sincere,
I can accept help, and
I am generous in my interpretation of others.
A breach of trust creates mistrust. Example:
I wish the ground would swallow me whole. I told Renate something about myself that was nobody else’s business. I thought I could trust her. I later found out that she had spilled the beans, and now several members of my social circle know my secret. I’m totally embarrassed and uncomfortable.
That’s tough. Betrayal is tough. I feel small, exposed, helpless and powerless. In addition, I’m angry at Renate for revealing my secret. And I’m angry at myself for having misjudged her. Then come the despair and the anxiety: What does everyone else think of me now? They will turn their backs on me. Then I’ll be sad. Sad because friendships could fall apart. Sad because I can’t trust myself.
Let’s say Renate is a woman who is totally reliable, respectful of boundaries, a real role model for helping others, always asks me for advice and support, and only speaks highly of others. Her weakness is her loose mouth, and when Prosecco is involved, she no longer realises what she is babbling on about.
The next day, she calls me in despair and is inconsolable about the mess she has made. She wants to make amends by admitting her mistake to our friends and shining a favourable light on me again.
Knowing the seven building blocks that make up trust, I don’t have to end my friendship with Renate. I can hold myself accountable, too. If I had been a bit more experienced in dealing with trust, I would have realised that Renate has this weakness. After all, she told me one or two tingling details about Frank, too. Therefore, in future, I can avoid telling Renate things that are nobody’s business and stay friends with her despite the incident.
But perhaps Renate is simply an unreliable and irresponsible person with whom I should only deal superficially at best. I’ll be sure to realise that in future before telling anyone my secrets.
There will always be people who are not “compatible” with me. And that’s perfectly fine. I can’t love everyone, and not everyone can love me.
Keeping in mind the seven characteristics necessary to build trust, I can deal with the people around me in a much more differentiated way. For example, I can say: “I love you, but I really don’t like it when you take on a task and then don’t complete it. That’s very unpleasant, especially when it backfires on me and others are disappointed in me when things are left unfinished.”
But when I know what caused the trust issues, I can talk to you about it and come up with a solution to improve my trust in you.
What is one of the worst breaches of trust?
I am in a love relationship with you. You know my sore spot and use it to embarrass me in front of others. This shows that you are prepared to use sacred information as a weapon. I can’t trust you.
Beware!
There is another way to commit a breach of trust. I have to pay close attention and spot the opportunity to strengthen my trust in a person. If I don’t take this opportunity, I can’t just take the next one.
No, it’s a breach of trust that makes it difficult for the other person to trust in our connection. If this happens more than once, trust will dwindle and the relationship will suffer greatly.
Example:
I once locked myself out of my flat because I had forgotten my key. I just wanted to take the rubbish out and found myself standing in front of a locked door in winter without a jacket and wearing jogging trousers. Fortunately, I had left a spare key with a friend.
He lived five minutes away by car. When I rang him and told him about my predicament, he said he was at home cooking with the children and couldn’t leave right now, but I could come and get the key.
During the half-hour walk there and the half-hour walk back, I was freezing and annoyed by his behaviour. He could have easily put the children in the car and been back home within ten minutes. He missed this opportunity to strengthen my trust in him.
But that was just my interpretation. I could have asked him why he couldn’t just drop by for a minute. If he had come up with a flimsy excuse, my opinion would have remained unchanged – my trust in him would have been shattered.
But what does that do to my trust in myself?
This is the fun part of this lesson. Now comes the time to ask if I can trust myself. Self-confidence! Can I rely on myself? How generous am I with myself? Am I sticking to my plans? How do I talk about myself? Do I respect my boundaries?
And that’s where I start. I can’t force someone to trust me. But if I don’t trust myself, other people won’t either. So it’s up to me to gain self-confidence.
Exercises like the ones in the previous chapter, such as drinking a glass of water every morning, can also boost my self-confidence. My inner child is a part of me and my “self”. My DoD reveals which of the seven characteristics needed to build trust I don’t yet trust myself with.
I also need to have these seven characteristics in order to trust myself.
- Reliability – I can rely on myself.
- Setting boundaries – I am aware of my boundaries, I can deal with them flexibly and, if necessary, I can defend them.
- Responsibility – I take responsibility for my actions, even if I make a mistake.
- Discretion – I don’t talk about my intimate secrets and keep other people’s secrets.
- Sincerity – I know what’s right.
- Willingness to help – I am aware of my needs and take care of myself.
- Generosity – I am kind to myself.
Example:
I have written about the following scenario in my DoD: I am self-employed. I have decided not to accept any jobs for the next four weeks that aren’t routine assignments. I really need a little time for myself every day to take care of my well-being and health.
Today, a new customer called and asked me for support with his project. I accepted, although the amount of work involved is not clear, and it is not a routine job. I disregarded my boundary. Others are more important than me. I can’t take care of myself. I can’t rely on myself.
I obviously took on too much. I’m not ready yet. So I make the task a little easier. I decide to at least increase the time frame for a new order next time. And if I manage to do that easily, I’ll also be able to decline or postpone a job. Step by step, I am working on building trust in myself. I am the only one who can build up my self-confidence. Nobody can help me with that. I am worth it. I am right. I’m doing really well.