02 My Light – Spot 2
Inhibitions and the Fear of Making a Fool of Yourself
Whenever I feel ashamed because I have embarrassed myself, my insecurity grows. My ego paints horror scenarios of what will happen, and I want the ground to swallow me up. I give up on myself. My reptilian brain takes over and sounds the alarm. I panic – panic about being excluded – rejected by my group, forsaken. I won’t survive that. When I was a child, this fear was real. I was actually dependent on my group (family). Belonging was vital.
Shame is always destructive. It gnaws away at my self-worth. I beat myself down and make myself small until I no longer fit into any shoe. This is a downward spiral that ends in self-doubt, inferiority and depression. I am not right. I am bad.
Shame arises when we see our reputation jeopardised. Shame arises from comparing ourselves with others. It’s about the fear of being rejected by others. I’m afraid of being flawed and being ostracised and undeserving of love and belonging because of that. This results in significant existential fears, because a lonely life makes no sense and can even become life-threatening.
Embarrassing situations, humiliation and accusations can trigger shame in me and chip away at my self-esteem. But if there is a way into this quagmire, then there is also a way out. Self-esteem and shame correlate: The more self-esteem, the less shame. So I set about polishing up my self-esteem. After all, I have a lot to offer.
When I catch myself judging myself, I open my DOD and consider: Is that really true? Am I really a failure? Or were my actions in this particular situation just unfortunate, and can I make amends? Or was the criticism unjustified or exaggerated, and I am only partly to blame? Or maybe it’s not my fault, and I was just in the wrong place at the wrong time?
It is important to distinguish between shame and guilt. When I’m ashamed of something, I tell myself: “I’m bad.” When I drop my coffee on the floor in the morning and make a huge mess, I may think to myself: “Silly me.” (shame) The aim is to laugh about it and think to myself: “Oh, that was clumsy. Guess I’m not quite awake yet. I’ll go to the bathroom first, freshen up a bit and then I’ll try again” (guilt). When I feel guilty, I tell myself: “I did that badly.”
When I was a child I was told: You are bad. That gnawed at my self-esteem. Today, I try to compensate for this, for example, with perfectionism (wanting to please everyone) or narcissism (liking myself too much). So one solution is to stop linking my self-worth to what others think of what I say, write, do or create.
Of course, negativing criticism is always disappointing. But that’s why I have my DOD (Diary of Disappointments). I can work with it and improve. I wrote a bad text. Yes, that’s a possibility. But maybe it was also the wrong recipient. In any case, I am not a bad person because of it.
It hurts to lose, to be criticised or laughed at. But I’m learning that I don’t get into the ring for the applause, the success or the recognition. I do it because I intuitively feel that it is the right thing to do, that I want to do it and that I have the courage to do it.
Reducing my fear of embarrassing myself is the key to allowing myself to be vulnerable. I can’t put myself out there if I’m afraid of what they might think of me. I use the small opportunities in everyday life to get into the arena and showcase my talents. Examples:
When someone drops something on the floor, I pick it up.
When people talk badly about someone, I’m the one who points out their positive characteristics and defends them.
When someone truly needs help, I offer to help without any ulterior motives.
When someone attacks me, I dare to protect myself, I am capable of assessing the situation correctly and establishing a clear boundary, and I take responsibility if necessary.