01 My Journey – Step 3
I Treat Myself Motherly
I am responsible for learning the things that enable me to satisfy my needs. I’m still the little kid I used to be. My inner child sometimes gets angry, sad, ashamed, scared or wants revenge. My parents can no longer help my inner child.
My inner child is hurt, and I may blame my parents for my injuries. If I hold on to this image, it will paralyse me for life. All I can do is lovingly accept my inner child, with all its strengths, weaknesses and injuries, protect it fiercely and be the best mother and father for my inner child.
As a child, I was completely defenceless and powerless at the mercy of my parents and caregivers. And so were my parents when they were little and their parents before them, and so on and so forth. Every generation has had the same rucksack strapped to their backs, filled with wants and desires – you must and you may, you are good and you are bad, you are right and you are wrong.
It is essential to understand that, in a way, my connection to my parents and my caregivers was like my first love relationship. And not just that. You might even call it my prototype or my blueprint for my ideal love relationship. Without realising it, as a grown-up, I will recognise my true love by the fact that I feel the way I felt as a child, in my first “love relationship” with my parents.
I unconsciously enter into relationships with people with similar characteristics to my parents and therefore feel familiar to me. It feels like true love. When I’m in a love relationship, there is much to “tell” my DoD. Whenever a conflict arises, I try to determine how much of it has to do with my inner child.
This method is called “reparenting”, and it is as ingenious as it is simple. I take on the role of a parent to my inner child. This is my chance to heal my childhood wounds. My real parents can no longer help me with this.
I open my rucksack and look inside. I take out one stone at a time, placing each of them along my journey’s path. I don’t need them anymore. The following paragraphs describe six areas that may be troubling my inner child. I examine my innermost feelings and make a connection between today and the past, when I was still a child.
- My parents denied my reality.
“I’m talking nonsense.” “I don’t have a clue about life.” “It’s all in your mind.” I learnt that my opinion is irrelevant. This belief is in my rucksack and influences my life every day. I am dependent on the opinions of others because I value them more. I am not important.
- My parents didn’t see or hear me.
I was ignored and treated as if I weren’t even there. If anything, they saw me as a chore and a tedious task. They never asked me whatI thought or wanted. They made decisions without consulting me.
And so I learnt that I am really small and insignificant. I do not have the right to raise my voice. No one has to listen to me. What I have to say is insignificant.
- My parents wanted to shape me according to their ideals.
They wanted me to have a better life than theirs. They thought they knew what was good for me. Or maybe they wanted me to follow in their footsteps and become an even more successful doctor, lawyer or musician. They chose an education for me and supported me according to their ideas. They praised some of my friends and disparaged others.
I wasn’t given the opportunity to decide what I wanted to do. I cannot access my intuition. I am not confident enough to make major decisions on my own. I’m stuck doing the wrong job. I wish my life were different.
- My parents couldn’t set boundaries and didn’t respect my boundaries.
There were no clear rules that I could rely on. The rules were completely arbitrary. One day, the rules were interpreted this way. The next day, it was the other way around. Perhaps my parents always wanted the best for me and let me get away with everything.
They rummaged around in my personal belongings – secrets weren’t allowed. I wasn’t allowed to be in the bathroom alone. They told me intimate things about themselves, their relationship or about people I knew. Intimate things that I was still too young to really understand.
My boundaries are also too loose or too rigid. I am either incapable of saying no, or I’m rather secretive and let hardly anyone in. I participate in gossip in order to belong. Others’ opinions are more important to me than my own.
- My parents prioritised appearances.
Appearance, clothing and personal hygiene were a constant topic of conversation. I learnt that some aspects of my appearance were acceptable, while others were not. Other people were also constantly categorised as “admirable” or “detestable”. There were strict rules about how I had to dress.
I didn’t have the opportunity to find my own style. I am insecure about my appearance. I don’t really know who or what I can be. I always try to adapt to the situation at hand. I don’t know my authentic self. I want to be different from how I think I have to be.
- My parents couldn’t control their emotions.
They shouted at me, threw things around or slammed doors. Or perhaps they numbed themselves with work, alcohol, drugs, shopping or other distractions to avoid having to deal with their feelings. Very often, parents simply withdraw in difficult situations; they become emotionally cold and punish their children by withdrawing love.
When I was a child, I could not cope with this behaviour. The people on whom my life depended withdrew their love, affection and care from me. If I hadn’t had any other role models to show me how to regulate my emotions, I would have adopted my parents’ strategies, becoming a caregiver who doesn’t have her emotions under control either.
I carry these traumas from my childhood with me every day in the form of small and large stones in my rucksack. And, as a result, every step I take becomes more difficult. These heavy stones aren’t just a burden to me. They’re also a burden to the people around me.
If I spill coffee on my shirt at breakfast, I wash the stain out or put on a fresh shirt. I tell myself, “I can’t go to work looking like this.” But I don’t realise that I leave the house every day carrying frustration, anger, stress, exhaustion, restlessness, loneliness, depression, doubt, helplessness, greed, longing, sadness, insecurity,
shame, suffering, defiance, envy, mistrust, anger, jealousy, neediness, vanity, arrogance, pride, haughtiness, pity, coldness, guilt, a guilty conscience, pressure, inferiority, powerlessness, impatience, tension, boredom, nervousness, despair, anger, melancholy, compulsion,
lies and many more fears with me. I don’t try to hide those emotions from my fellow human beings. And I blame everyone else for this trait I have, especially my parents. Therefore, the fact that I’m like this can’t possibly be my fault.
Bullshit! I will not give up on myself. I can do better than that. I am going to establish a loving relationship with myself. And I will use that as the template for how to love others. From now on, I am going to treat myself motherly. And then, one day, I will look into my rucksack and…? Surprise! It’s empty!
I categorise my inner child’s injuries into six groups, take note of them in my DoD and draw a frame around them. When things get emotional in my love relationship and I notice feelings such as anger, rage, sadness, loneliness, shame or vulnerability, I can use this template to check where these feelings are coming from.
- My parents denied my reality.
- My parents didn’t see or hear me.
- My parents wanted to shape me according to their ideals.
- My parents couldn’t set boundaries and didn’t respect my boundaries.
- My parents prioritised appearances.
- My parents couldn’t control their emotions.
I become aware of my inner child’s injuries. For example, say I was writing in my DoD about a time when I was belittled. Maybe I felt inferior and helpless. I withdrew and wanted to get out of the situation.
I defended my inner child because I had already experienced these situations as a child. Back then, I didn’t have a safe space I could go to. I was defenceless at the mercy of my parents. So I withdrew inwardly. I set up a protective barrier around myself.
Today, I find it difficult to open up my barrier and let other people in. My inner child is afraid. My parents can no longer change that. And they are not to blame either. People can only be guilty if they have done something deliberately. And my parents didn’t deliberately want to harm me. They raised me to the best of their ability. That was all they could manage because their rucksacks were holding them down, too. I let them go peacefully.
The only person who can change anything now is me. From now on, I am going to treat myself motherly. I can heal my inner child’s wounds. I can show her that she can rely on me and no longer needs to be afraid.
Exercise:
I start by doing a very simple and small exercise. It’s about setting goals I can achieve easily. For example, I can decide to drink a glass of water every morning after getting up. Whenever I fulfil my promise and pick up the glass, my inner child will learn that she can rely on me.
Whenever I realise I forgot to drink my glass of water at lunchtime or perhaps only the next day, I can laugh about it and be gentle with myself. It doesn’t matter, and it’s not a bad thing that I forgot. I am only human. People make mistakes.
I make mistakes – and that’s perfectly fine. I am on my journey, and I am learning. I’m doing really well. I can gradually add more of these exercises with other tasks to my day. But I make sure only to take on things that I can achieve easily. I won’t overburden myself.
This is not just an exercise for wimps and softies. A twenty-minute walk that actually happens is better than a three-kilometre run that doesn’t. The imperfect article I publish is better than the perfect book that never leaves my hard drive. Hosting a party with food catered by the Italian restaurant is better than the gala dinner I will never organise.
I talk to my inner child. I give her a name. I listen to her when she needs something, when she’s scared or angry. I learn to understand where the injuries come from and make peace with those who caused them. Perhaps they were my parents, other caregivers, such as grandparents, siblings and relatives, or teachers and other children – anyone who influenced me.
If I let the past rest, it will let me live. I let go of one injury after another whenever I recognise them. I no longer blame anyone for the fact that I am the way I am. I’ve been waiting for me. I stay centred. From now on, I am going to treat myself motherly. My inner child can rely on me completely at all times.
Learning how to deal with my feelings is a relief. How can I surf the wave that hits me when my emotions are boiling up?
- Whenever I feel an emotion, such as fear, anger, shame or sadness, spread through me,
- I don’t numb it with work, alcohol, drugs, television, shopping or other distractions.
- I feel my body’s reaction: I may get restless, my hands may start shaking, my head may get hot, my throat may tighten, my stomach may cramp up, or I may be reduced to tears.
- I describe that feeling: “I get angry when …” “I am sad because …” “I am scared of …” “I hate …” etc.
- I take note of my breathing and breathe more deeply. I allow the wave of emotion to flow through my entire body. It hurts. It hurts like hell. I let the emotions come. The feeling consumes me. I breathe. I can feel the air flowing through me – my chest and stomach rise and fall. I breathe until I calm down automatically. My body begins to relax. The pain subsides. I take my time until my muscles can unclench again.
- I stay centred. I’m learning that my feelings won’t “kill” me. On the contrary: Over time, repressed feelings become an overwhelming burden. They make me sick. Having experienced this wave of emotion, I am exhausted but relieved. The burden has been lifted. I feel liberated.
- I’m becoming more and more relaxed in dealing with the waves of emotion that arise. I am getting better at “surfing” them and dissolving the pain.
People who can cope with their feelings in this way can also cope with their anxiety. People who can cope with their anxiety don’t break anything. They no longer have to belittle, control or manipulate others to distract from their inferiority.
They are not dependent on anyone and do not need anyone to feel whole. They don’t believe the world revolves around them or that they are to blame for everything. They recognise and accept reality. They believe they could be wrong. They are on their way to becoming the best version of themselves and learn something new every day. They can leave things be. They can think clearly and are not overwhelmed by life’s tasks. They give their lives a chance in order to enjoy them.