01 My Journey – Step 2
I Stay Centred
When I am beside myself, get really angry or confused and don’t even recognise myself, I often harm myself and those around me. Along my journey, I am getting to know my feelings, I am learning what’s a part of me, what I can actively influence, and, on the other hand, what is not a part of me, which feelings and issues are another person’s, meaning that I have no power over them.
I am learning to recognise boundaries, set boundaries and deal with them flexibly. I can centre myself through my breathing.
This is the next decisive step on my journey. I am learning to stay centred, no matter what is happening around me. This is the only way I can really feel what I need, categorise my feelings correctly and satisfy my needs. This is also the only way I can really be helpful to others.
It’s like a drop in pressure in an aeroplane. The oxygen masks fall out, and I put on my own mask before helping others. That’s not selfish, it’s necessary for survival. If I don’t manage to put their mask on the panicking person sitting next to me before I can no longer breathe, we could both die.
In the same way, I am of no use to my family, my children and my fellow human beings if I am constantly pushing myself beyond my limits and overloading myself, resulting in me being unfocused, forgetful and unorganized, acting erratically, feeling depressed and tired, and being in a bad mood. I harm myself in the process and burden people who are important to me.
Being able to put myself in someone else’s shoes is a wonderful skill – it’s called empathy. This skill allows me to help others and de-escalate crises. People know me as a calm, even-tempered and friendly person. But what do I look like on the inside? Am I still aware of my own needs? Am I taking care of myself?
Or am I cranky, and do I tend to snap when I’m overwhelmed? I shout at others, start fights or run away. Throughout all of these situations, there’s one thing I’m not managing to do: stay centred.
The quickest and easiest way to centre myself is breathing. I take a deep breath. I can feel my stomach rising and my chest expanding. I breathe out for a long time and relax my face. What kind of situation am I in right now? What am I feeling? What am I thinking? How does my body feel?
During my next deep breaths, I am going to relax my neck and shoulders. Can I assess the situation correctly? Do I have all the information I need, or can I ask more questions?
I centre myself and recognise the boundary between me and my surroundings. I can react to the situation as needed, act according to my needs and protect myself if necessary.
Example:
I come home, and my wife starts shouting at me: “Why didn’t you pick me up from the station? You knew I was arriving at 6:20 pm. I had to walk home, carrying my heavy bag. You only think about yourself and your work. You don’t care about me at all.”
I think to myself: I hate these constant accusations. She knows very well that I can’t just up and leave my work … inhale … I get angry, my head gets hot … she never asked, and I never said I’d pick her up … exhale …
I realise that she is also very angry and disappointed in me … inhale … I apologise to de-escalate the situation … exhale … I remain defensive until she relaxes and we can have a conversation on a level playing field.
Then I can state my point of view: Next time, we should communicate more clearly, and everyone should let everyone know what they want and what they can and cannot offer. If this were a fairy tale, we would both feel heard at the end of this conversation, fall into each other’s arms, make love to each other all night long, and never argue again.
That’s the best-case scenario. So how do I get there? The key to my ability to stay centred is setting boundaries. This topic is so incredibly important. It should be a main subject at school. The earth would be a much nicer place if we were all better at managing our boundaries.
We would no longer need borders between countries. Yes, there would be no need for countries, national pride, the football World Cup or religious wars. We would realise that we are all on the same spaceship. Okay, back to things we can change.
We often feel like we are in a very harmonious relationship with another person. We do everything together. We always find a compromise. We like the same things, and we are inseparable. But these are often not authentic relationships.
I can never really satisfy my needs. I always have to consider the other person and ask what they need. I have to adapt in order to live our shared reality. This relationship will either crumble, or one of us will get sick.
Real connections require clear boundaries that both parties can accept. This results from the immensely valuable freedom of knowing that different realities can exist side by side without having to fear that our connection might not last.
“Freedom doesn’t mean being able to do whatever I want. Freedom means no longer having to do things I don’t want to do.”
Example:
A topic we are all familiar with: punctuality. When something is important to me, I will manage to be on time. My partner is the exact opposite. She always does everything at the last minute, and she’s often late for appointments. What usually happens when one of us needs to leave our home?
Whenever I have an appointment, my partner will inevitably think of something I need to do for her just before I leave. She says things like, “Prepare the potatoes and wait for the water to boil” or “I’ll just finish writing this letter so you can take it to the post office for me”.
That messes up my schedule. To keep the peace, I do it anyway. It stresses me out, I get anxious, I worry about being late, and I curse at my partner secretly. In turn, she is annoyed because I’m slow and inefficient.
Whenever my partner has an appointment, she will come up with all kinds of things she can do quickly before leaving. I remind her that she should have left a long time ago if she wants to arrive on time. I help her pack her bag and ask her if she’s got certain things.
She’s annoyed because I’m preventing her from leaving and stressing her out with unnecessary questions. And I get nervous every time I think about her being late again.
When we’re getting ready to go somewhere together, I’m already at the door, ready to go, while she’s still whirling around the flat. The mood declines, the atmosphere gets worse, and when we’re finally sitting in the car, we’re both annoyed. If we arrive early, I have to listen to stupid comments and feel pedantic. If we’re late, I’m furious and take my anger out on my partner.
How do we get out of this situation?
Neither of us is right or wrong. These are two different realities. One of us appreciates planning, organisation, time buffers and structure. The other finds it very efficient to utilise every free minute, not to waste time waiting and to complete a large number of tasks in a short space of time. Both approaches are absolutely equal.
There is no truth in the connection between two people. There are only two equal realities. One cannot be right while the other is wrong. They are just different from each other. Everyone is on their own personal journey and cannot skip a step. Every opinion matters simply because it is an individual’s opinion.
So the first step is: I won’t assume that the other person is doing something wrong anymore. They are just doing it differently. They are doing it the way they think is right. They are doing it this way because they can’t do it any other way at the moment. They are not doing it to spite me or to annoy me. They are doing it for themselves. It’s their way of doing things.
That has nothing to do with me. It’s their hectic pace, their waiting, their speed, their workload and their efficiency. It’s their reality. Have I got that now? I won’t interfere with other people’s structure anymore. I will stay centred and establish clear boundaries between myself and others.
But what happens when these two realities collide and we need to leave together? In that case, there’s no use for black and white thinking, ying/yang and clear boundaries anymore. That’s when we need flexible borders. We need to get creative and agile in our minds. We need to communicate clearly and dismiss any secret expectations.
So we have an appointment, and we want to drive there together. I will emphasise that this is extremely important to me repeatedly. We need to be in the car at 8:00 am on the dot. I can rely on you to hear, understand and respect my wish without ridiculing me.
You will follow my instructions and accept my time management. You will adjust your boundary because you know that I will do the same when something is very important to you.
If you ask me to call the Singers to tell them that we’ll be half an hour late because you have an appointment that you can’t reschedule, I’ll do it, and I won’t get annoyed. I’m sure it’s important to you. You will do your best, and I will support your decision. I will adapt my boundary to what you need.
Of course, we could still compromise if we are both willing to do so. If we leave on time at 8:00 am and if traffic is not too bad, we might still have time to pick up your trousers from the tailor’s shop that’s along the way. And if I bring a comfortable T-shirt for you, I could pick you up at the office on the way to the Singers’. We could arrive almost on time then.
I stay centred. Nobody is right or wrong – everyone is simply different.
I am learning to set clear boundaries, while also being flexible. Sounds paradoxical, but it makes sense. If everyone set clear boundaries and defended them fiercely, they would be pretty lonely.
We can only live together if we constantly question our boundaries and adapt them to our own needs as well as those of our fellow human beings. And nobody said it was easy. I practise this, I stumble, fall down, get back up and keep practising.
I’ve written a lot of stories about failed attempts to set, enforce, accept and adapt boundaries in my DoD. However, I am getting better and better at communicating my boundaries as confidently, firmly and respectfully as possible.
If the situation requires it, I am open to compromise because I also want to honour the other person’s boundaries. This creates space, ensuring that nobody has to do anything against their will.
The following exercise will help me find out what type of person I am. Do I tend to set loose or very rigid boundaries, or can I be flexible with them? I read through these sentences and try to work out which of these statements apply to me. How do I deal with my boundaries in certain areas? I tick everything that applies to me.
Loose boundaries:
- I almost obsessively want to please others.
- My self-worth is defined by other people’s opinions of me.
- I generally can’t say no.
- I constantly share very private information with others.
- I constantly want to help or save others and solve problems for them.
Rigid boundaries:
- I don’t have many close or intimate relationships.
- I have a chronic fear of rejection.
- I generally find it difficult to ask for help.
- I am adamant about my privacy.
Flexible boundaries:
- I am aware of my values and appreciate my thoughts, opinions and convictions.
- I know how to communicate my needs to others.
- I share personal information appropriately.
- I can say no when necessary and accept a no from others.
- I am able to regulate my emotions and allow others to express theirs.
Statements in all three categories may apply to me. The aim is to reduce the number of loose and rigid boundaries that apply to me and increase the number of flexible boundaries.
It’s important to know that my boundaries don’t serve others. First and foremost, they serve me. I make sure I can fulfil my needs. I become emotionally successful, thereby becoming attractive to others automatically. I am valuable.
There are three areas in which I take care of my boundaries:
- Physical boundaries:
I take care of my physical needs on all levels:
- I sleep well.
- I eat a healthy diet.
- I keep fit.
- I enjoy my sexuality.
- I create my own space.
- Emotional boundaries:
I distinguish clearly between my feelings and someone else’s. Your anger is not my anger. Your fear is not my fear. Your grief is not my grief. I don’t have to make everyone happy. I don’t have to submit to a group’s opinion without thinking for myself. I don’t have to stubbornly put my own convictions above everything else.
- Resource boundaries:
I carefully consider who and what is worth my time. I allow others to do the same. Saying no to you means saying yes to myself – and if we are both willing, flexible boundaries can create an “us”. I don’t want to fix everything for others, and I don’t hold them responsible for my life and my feelings.
I write the following sentences in my DoD (Diary of Disappointments) and draw a frame around them. They help me to rethink the beliefs that arise in my daily experiences and disappointments. And I’m realising one thing more and more. No one else will save me.
I’ve been waiting for me. I stay centred. I am emotionally successful, and that makes me attractive. Strong people can cope with their anxiety. People who can cope with their anxiety don’t break anything.
- I’m not afraid of rejection. I can’t please everyone.
- I am good at asking for help. I don’t just support others. I can accept help, too.
- I let others share in my life.
- I like myself.
- My self-worth is defined by my own opinion.
- I can say no, too. Saying no means saying yes to me in this case. And it can become a yes to us.
- I don’t have to save everyone. Taking the world’s suffering to heart doesn’t help the world. Creative people have never been sentimental – they accept good and evil, creation and destruction. All I can do is dedicate my creative work to the good side and to love.
- I am aware of my value. I’m doing really well.
- I can communicate my needs.
- I accept someone else’s “no”.
- I allow others to show their feelings.
- I value my thoughts, opinions and beliefs.
- I treat information about myself and others with care.
Would I like the people around me to change? Would I like my girlfriend to be more organised and punctual? Would I like my mum to stop interfering in my life? Would I like my father to listen to me instead of constantly trying to convince me of his opinion?
I can change people. And there is only one way to do this. I am connected to the people around me by something akin to an invisible rubber band. When I move, they move too. Often, they don’t even realise it. It’s like magic, and I’m always amazed at how well it works. I no longer waste any energy on anger, resentment or recurring inner arguments in my head. I use my energy to set and adjust my boundaries. I practise, make mistakes, learn from them, get better and better, enabling better cooperation. When I move, the others automatically move with me. I’ve been waiting for me.